9 Things to Consider If You Want to Cook Naked

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There is no purer state of bliss than being naked. It’s you at your most vulnerable, most poetic, and most scandalous. And the sense of excitement and thrill that comes with doing a random, everyday task — from vacuuming to sending email — is unparalleled when you do it in your birthday suit.

Take cooking, for example. It combines one of your favorite things in the world (food) with your favorite state of being (nude), and just makes you feel alive. But before you strip down and take on the kitchen with no clothes, here are nine important things to keep in mind.

1. Not Everything You Do Is Sexy // Shocking, Right?

Sure, the act of cooking naked ranks high on the tantalizing scale, but you do a lot more than just lick chocolate off your fingers. You drop ingredients and need to pick them up. You struggle to open jars. You stretch to reach shelves. You dig through your fridge.

Don’t assume that just because you’re in the nude, each and everything you do is hottie central.

2. Knives Are Sharp // Careful Where You Point Things

Without clothes, you have zero layers of protection between you and the world. You’re strictly at the mercy of that blade you’re wielding. What could have been snagged by a layer of clothing is now ready to freely pierce your body.

Yes, that sounds drastic. But honestly, while ‘naked with knives’ might be a cool band name, it’s actually a pretty terrifying prospect.

3. Hot Oil Splatters // Maybe Keep a Towel Handy?

It’s super easy to overlook the simple reaction that oil has to a hot pan on a lit-up stovetop. When dressed, you really only have to be concerned about your hands and arms. But when you’re cooking in the buff, you have a lot more personal surface area to be concerned about, especially the much more, umm, sensitive parts of you.

4. Windows Are See-Through // Smile

While your kitchen may be your sanctuary, it’s likely not tucked away in some windowless basement. There’s a chance for outsiders to catch the goodies of a foodie such as yourself. Be aware of your views and close the curtains, or craftily place some houseplants to keep your private meal just that.

But hey, maybe a public show is your thing. Just maybe keep in mind tip #1.

5. Leaning Could Leave You Burned // If You Have Time to Lean…

When cooking fully clothed you’re probably not aware of all the surfaces that could inflict harm. But now that you’re nude, the simple act of bending down to pull a baking sheet out of the oven or leaning over a hot grill can wreck you pretty bad.

Be sure to keep a keener sense of your surroundings now that your fabric free. Otherwise you could end up with some pretty painful (and hard to explain) scars.

6. Spills Are Magnified // Brace Yourself

Being the passionate chef that you are, spills are bound to happen. Cooking with marinades, sauces and soups only increases the odds that you’ll end up with small puddles on the floor, and therefore increase your odds of ending up on the floor yourself. Falling naked is as unattractive as it is painful, and since you’re not wearing shoes, you’re more susceptible to slip.

Without clothes, you’re probably going down harder than you’re used to. It won’t be a pretty sight. Unless you’re a super tidy chef, there’s a chance you’re falling heels over head.

7. Cold Is Also the Enemy // Shrinkage Is Real, BTW

We’ve covered how easy it is to burn yourself while naked, but the opposite is also true. Freezing cold items can also do a number on bare skin. Whether you’re rummaging around the freezer or simply caught off guard by what you’re leaning against, cold surfaces are ready to beat up your skin a bit.

It’s one thing for your hands to face such a challenge. But those soft fleshy parts that are covered 90% of the time aren’t used to being exposed to the elements. That’s where icy conditions will get you.

8. Spice Doesn’t Just Concern Your Mouth Now // Heat Does Not Discriminate

You know that after handling peppers (or spilling hot sauce), it’s not wise to touch any part of your face. It’s just common sense. But now that you’re naked, there’s so much more surface area to consider. The potential for danger skyrockets!

Imagine all the tiny cuts and scrapes on random parts of your body that you’re unaware of (especially if you didn’t heed tip #2!), and then imagine hot chili powder getting into them.

You have been warned.

9. Guests Will Ruin Everything // Again, Have That Towel Handy

If you’re prone to having unexpected visitors pop in on a regular basis, you may want to factor this into your naked cooking plans. Unlike reading or cleaning naked, you can’t just bail on that rising bunt cake at the drop of a doorbell.

If you stop, drop, and roll out of the kitchen to throw on some clothes, freshen up, and answer the door, you’re going to hurt your chances of having things come out perfectly.

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